Fortion

It's been a long time. This is my first post since...a lot. Since we got back from New Zealand, since Jayson started school, and since our sweet Charlie Boy died. Oh, we miss him! There just isn't any way to describe the depth of our grief. I feel like I'm standing just outside of a black hole and I don't know how I haven't been sucked in. What would we do without our faith? How do we go on? How do I find the motivation to get out of bed every morning? I have asked myself so many unanswerable questions in the last weeks since that very dark day. The only things I know for sure are: I love that sweet boy and miss him horribly. God loves me and although I feel sorrow He continues to bless me through the kindness of others. Jay and I are closer than ever...we are in this together. I'm trying not to ask myself any other questions at this point, especially the big "W". Why? WHy? I can't know yet. We have invented a word in our family to describe how we are living right now. Fortion. Spelling is questionable. Forward motion. But I like how they sound combined, like force. Once we force ourselves or each other into forward motion we catch ourselves smiling again.

I've been wanting to send out a million thanks and hugs and so many things to our dear friends and family who have carried us through this, but fortion only carries me so far right now. Instead, for those of you who read this and were not at Charlie Boy's funeral I've cut and pasted two letters that were read. One from us to everyone and one from Jay to his son.

Please don't forget to pray for us yet! Think forward motion....

Dear Friends and Family,

I cannot tell you how much your love, prayers, and support have meant to us during the past few days. You have sustained us and strengthened us and have made our burden of sorrow lighter. We thank you! We ask that you continue to think of us and pray for us in the coming days and weeks.

I also thank you for loving us without blame or judgment. We are doing our best to follow your lead and find a way to let go of the guilt associated with Charlie’s death. We are not going to dwell on the unanswerable questions such as how or why. I hope you’ll help us by reminding us of any happy memories that you can share of Charlie. If you remember any little impression or “conversation” you’ve had with him, please write it down and share it with us. Help us to replace the pain with a cheerful remembrance of how much of a blessing his short earthly life was for everyone who knew him.

Oh, our sweet Charlie! As a baby he never wanted to be put down. He demanded to be held so I resorted to carrying him in his baby carrier wherever I went, even as I mopped the floor. From the very beginning, Jay woke up with Charlie every night and sometimes held him for hours… maybe that’s why when Charlie started speaking he called Jay “Mom”. They have had a special bond.

Jayson, Aidan, and Charlie were inseparable… like the 3 Musketeers, or more accurately, the 3 Stooges. They rolled and wrestled under my feet like 3 bear cubs while I cooked or did dishes. He is missed by his brothers. There is a quiet in our home that is lonely and uncomfortable… an ever-present reminder of our sweet boy that made noise wherever he went. One day recently I was upstairs when I heard something… the sound of wooden puzzle pieces being thrown on the floor. After a few minutes I came downstairs to discover that Charlie had thrown the pieces of 8 puzzles all around the room. I looked at him and asked what had happened. He looked right back at me and said, “Oh no! Aidan did it!” I had to laugh.

We feel an ache in our hearts that, according to what people tell us, only time can heal. That ache is so consuming that it could be intolerable if it were not for our firm belief in God’s plan. I take comfort in knowing that the veil between this life that we know on earth, and the next life in what we call heaven, is thin and a relief to pass through. It brings me a sense of peace to imagine Charlie passing through that veil and feeling no pain or fear. I imagine that there to meet him, and immediately surrounding him, are people that he knows and loves. I imagine that Jesus Christ Himself holds Charlie tight and Charlie wraps his little arms around our Savior’s neck and feels at home.

We feel sorrow and pain and loss, but Charlie does not. He feels peace and light and joy. We feel lonely, but Charlie does not. He understands that through the Atonement of our beloved Savior we can and will be reunited as a family unit as we each go to join him when it is our time. Because of the eternal nature of the family, I look forward to the day that we will all be together again in God’s presence. Until then we will endure with a hope of that day.

Love,

Stephanie (and family)

To my dearest Charlie,

You were a beaming light in my life. Every day I looked forward to the joy and happiness you showed on your face when you woke in the morning. Sometimes I would go in to your room early just so I could be there when you awoke. It was better than watching any sunrise. That happiness and joy never left you. Everywhere you went you had an air of life and exuberance. You got such joy out of everything. Everywhere you went you seemed to shine brighter than everyone else in the crowd. Life bubbled out of you.

The day you died that light went out for me and the darkness has been unbearable. I never knew the depths a person could love another until you were taken from me. Now I realize that that love is larger and deeper than I could ever have imagined. The pain of losing you seems endless but I know this is only because my love for you has no end.

I miss you so much. I miss you greeting me in the morning with a big smile on your face and the hugs and kisses you were so generous giving. I miss the sound of your voice that seemed a constant stream from morning till night throughout the house. The house feels empty without it. I miss sharing an ice cream with you. I miss sharing anything I happened to be eating with you, since you always wanted to eat what I was eating even if you had the same thing on your plate. I miss knowing I would see you the moment I saw any of your brothers because you seemed to be attached to them at this hip. I miss the mischievous smiles you gave any time you did something you knew you shouldn’t. I miss the innocence in your beautiful blue eyes that never left even when you were saying “Aidan did it” when caught red handed. I could never be angry with you. One look would melt my heart.

Most of all, I miss the moments I had with you alone when you would put your little arms on my shoulders and would squeeze them and say “I love you, Daddy”. And you would give me a kiss and you would hold on to me and never want to let go. I had that every night as I put you down to sleep and sang you a lullaby. No matter how tired you got you would still cling to me. I cherished that time and made it a priority to ensure that I was the one that put you to sleep each night. Charlie, I miss you.

I want to thank you for every day I was blessed to be with you. Thank you for being so full of life and love. Thank you for being such a good boy. Thank you for loving me so much, and so deeply. You called me Mom long before you called me Dad. And after you started calling me Dad, you still called me Mom half the time and I loved it. I was always the proudest parent in every room I entered. Thank you for making the last two years of my life joyful ones.

Charlie, I want you to know that I know that you are in a better place now and that you are at peace. I know you are happy there and I know that it is Gods will that you are there. It is more difficult than I could ever have imagined, to do as Christ said and “be as little children” and “submit myself to the will of the father” because I miss you so deeply and want you here. Your brothers have been such great examples to me of children who are accepting of God’s will and I love them even more fore it. Your mother has been an incredible strength and she misses you too. I know that we will be together again someday. I love that knowledge and I long for that day. Until then I will miss and always love you.

Love Dad.